Separation Anxiety in Childcare: Supporting Drop-Off Tears

It's 7.45 on a Monday morning. A dad hands over his toddler, says a quick goodbye and heads for the gate. The tears start straight away. Little arms reach for the door, two more families are signing in behind him, and your first instinct is to grab the nearest toy and point at something exciting.

So how do you support separation anxiety in childcare? Treat drop-off tears as a child's need for safety. Get down to their level, stay close, name what they're feeling and give them time, so they learn they aren't alone with it. It's also worth remembering how normal this is. Separation anxiety is a common part of development that can start at 6-7 months and peak at 14-18 months (Raising Children Network).

These ideas come from Elise Disher, an early learning consultant, former early childhood educator and centre director, and the founder of Big on Little People. In her course on developing healthy attachments, Elise starts with the question she believes every child is asking, every day: "Am I safe here?" As she puts it, "Separations are one of those moments where children's attachment needs show up the most clearly in early childhood settings."

The ideas

1. Read drop-off as a need.Tears and clinging at the door can look like a behaviour to fix. Elise explains that the child's "nervous system is responding to the loss of that proximity of their safe person."
2. Notice the quick fix.Distracting with a toy, redirecting to an activity or encouraging a child to join the group are all common responses. Elise is generous about why we reach for them: "These responses usually come from a really caring place."
3. Become the safe haven.While parents are away, children rely on educators to be their secure base and their safe haven. Your calm presence is what lets them feel safe enough to move on.
4. Get down low and name the feeling.Stay close and calmly acknowledge what the child is going through, in simple words they can hear.
5. Give them time.Let the child know they can settle at their own pace, and that you'll be there when they're ready.
6. Let them come and go.A child can drift towards something interesting and then come back for comfort, sometimes many times in a few minutes. That rhythm is part of settling.

Developing Healthy Attachments to Support the Growth of Confident Early LearnersStart this course

Why distraction falls short

The pressure at drop-off is real. Families are arriving, the room needs to get going and a crying child can feel like something to solve fast. So the focus becomes settling the behaviour as quickly as possible.

The trouble is what the child takes away from that moment. When we rush past the feeling, set it aside or try to ignore it, Elise explains, the child can internalise a thinking pattern of "I am alone in this struggle and no one gets me and no one's got me."

When we stay with the feeling, the message changes. In Elise's words, the child learns, "I am not alone with this struggle."

Elise shares a moment many educators will know. A child is on your lap, crying because saying goodbye to Dad was hard. Then they notice a co-worker blowing bubbles across the room and watch for a while. A minute later the sadness returns and they lean back into you. They're moving between exploring and coming back for safety, without leaving your lap. When you can see that rhythm, you stop expecting one clean moment where the tears end and the day begins.

Here's how the two approaches compare at drop-off.

What to say at the door

Elise offers words you can use straight away. Try something like: "Saying goodbye can feel really hard. You wish Mum could stay longer. I'll wait with you until you feel OK."

Then give permission to take their time: "It's OK to take your time. I've got time for you, I can wait for you. I'll be right here when you're ready."

Elise is honest that this work is "easier said than done" in a busy room. She also reminds educators that it's "not about getting it perfect all the time". Your unconditional positive regard for children, she says, "is what actually matters the most."

How to use this in your room this week

• Plan for the tricky arrivals. If you know which children find drop-off hard, agree as a team who will be free to sit with them when they arrive.
• Practise one script. Pick a line, such as "Saying goodbye can feel really hard. I'll wait with you," and use it until it feels natural.
• Sit, then wait. Get down to the child's level, stay close and let the tears run their course before you suggest anything else.
• Watch for the come and go. Notice when a child drifts towards play and then returns to you. Welcome them back each time.
• If a child's distress is severe or doesn't ease over time, talk with the family and your director about further support.
• If you're a casual educator, you won't have a relationship to lean on yet. Elise's approach for a single session is to go in "with the lens of showing children that I see them, I'm interested in them and I'm ready to explore whatever they want to explore."

Take it further with Elise

Drop-off is one moment in the day. In Developing Healthy Attachments to Support the Growth of Confident Early Learners, Elise shows how the same thinking changes your whole program. Inside the course, you'll find:

• the Circle of Security, and the specific needs children have when they're exploring and when they come back to you
• why children can't reason or share when they're overwhelmed, explained through the upstairs and downstairs brain
• how your own experiences shape which behaviours trigger you, and how to stretch your window of tolerance
• an attachment lens on big feelings, conflict between children, transitions and group time
• how freedom to explore, from cross-resourcing to risky play, builds confident learners
• Elise's answers to educators' questions from the live session

If you'd like to go further on supporting children through hard experiences, Becoming a Trauma-Informed Early Childhood Educator is a good next step. You'll find more courses for your room in early childhood PD.

As Elise tells every educator at the end of her session, "You are so special and doing such important work."

HBWritten by Helen Bryant, Director of Education, ClassCover Learn. Helen has been teaching for over twelve years in both government and independent schools, across all stages from K-6.